Category: Funny

Some Times I Feel Like An Intruder

Last Friday our friend, Howard Kalwies passed away. Today was his memorial service. It was a good service. There were good talks, and beautiful musical numbers. Jacob played the organ and accompanied (on the piano) the violinist, Karen Martin. She played/s so beautifully. It makes me wish I could learn to play.

As I listened to the speakers share their tender memories, I felt just a little uncomfortable. Not that a funeral or memorial service does that to me, but Howard was not a close friend of mine. So, I did not know him as well as those who spoke knew him. And as they shared their stories with us I felt as though I was eavesdropping on a private moment. It made think.

His daughter Catherine is my age, and she and I would hang out at camp. She lived in Illinois, and I in Iowa. There was one summer at camp that we were out “heart attacking”* other campers’ tents. There was thunder in the air, and it hadn’t started raining just yet. It was very late at night, (possibly “early in the morning” would be a better way to put it) and we were trying to stay hidden. We saw headlights, and we dove into the trees closest to us to hide. You would never guess where we landed…that is right, the compost heap. As soon as the cost was clear we headed back through the trees to our camp site. We got there just in time for the car to pull up and tell us that there was a huge storm headed our way and every body needed to head to the lodge to sleep for the rest of night.

The storm came and went, in the morning there were branches all over the place, some tents were blown in (these were army tents), many things were wet. It was an adventure.

We talked about this memory as we ate lunch, and Catherine said it perfectly, “Funerals make great reunions.” It is true, while we may not be able to escape regular life for a birth or a wedding, most people are able to get away and pay respects to the deceased. I am sorry for the occasion, but it was nice to have such a gathering of Howard’s family and friends.

* Heart attacking (for those who may not know) is a friendly alternative to toilet papering. You cut out a bunch of hearts and tape them to the people/tents/bedrooms/houses/cars. You can even write nice little messages on the hearts if you feel like it. A fun idea for Valentine’s day or an anniversary-don’t forget the person’s favorite candy. One other alternative is to use little twigs and paper and make mini-teepees (generally filled with candy-you can use suckers for the posts) and put them all over and leave a note that informs them they have been TP’d (only leave the note if you think they may not understand the pun).

What Parenting Book Said That

Jacob and I actually made a menu for the the week and I shopped off the menu. Go us!

While shopping, I saw a mom that was playing with her daughter in the cart. I am guessing the girl to be about 5 years old. They were playing and I thought about how cute it was to see them playing. Right until out of the blue the mom said, “Back off b****!” Now, I thought maybe it was just a slip of the tongue this one time. No, no it was not just one time. I could hear her from 3 and 4 aisles over, and every time she talked to her daughter she called her this name and told her some negative thing about herself. It made me feel bad for the little girl. I have seen in many people with the effects of this kind of talk, and it is not a good outcome.

On a some what funnier side, I saw a woman walking around the store using her cell phone like a walkie-talkie. At one point she said, “Put the cheese down crack-head.” I have no idea of the back story, but it made me laugh, so I wrote it down.

Is She Hiding In the Stinky Closet

Really, I am not quite sure what or where the stinky closet is.

We had our friends, Jason, Jessie and Aiden over to watch Ratatouille and eat supper. We ate breakfast-for-supper with homemade syrup. We had some extra syrup, so we sent some home with them.

While I was crouched down looking for a container (in the lower cabinet), Aiden calls out to me. She wanted to know where I was. One of the other adults told her I was hiding and to look for me, perhaps upstairs. So, up she went. She was calling out to me, and I answered. That may seem counter-productive, but it isn’t. There is a vent between the bedroom and the kitchen, and it sounds like you are in the same room. She was asking if i was in the closet. At some point she said some thing about my being in the stinky closet. I do not know what she means. Our house only has one closet, and that is where we keep clothes. She looked behind the fish tank for me, in the fridge, in the freezer, under the bean bags, and still didn’t find me. I was standing in the shower, we have a sliding door on it. They told her to look in the bathroom, and she did, quickly and did not see me. They told her to look again. The second time, I slid the door open, and she jumped and had a very startled look on her face for a second, and then she had a big smile. Then it was her turn to hide, and then Jacob’s turn.

Thanks for coming over guys, and especially for letting us scare your kid.

She Is My Husband

I was working at the preschool again today. Being Friday, it is share-day.

Girl T-age 3: I don’t have anything to share!

Mr S: I don’t either (in a whiny voice)

T: I want to share my Elmo

S: What should you do then?

LONG PAUSE

5 or 6 kids: Go get it!

Boy J-age 4: (holding a Tide-to-go pen) For when you get messy.

Girl E-age 3: This is a volleyball from Cassie.

Mr S: Who is Cassie?

E: She is in the picture

Miss L: Is she your cousin?

E: She is my husband.

Boy S-age 4: Shared the sweater he was wearing as a mystery item and had the class guess what it is.

After coming in from outside, all the kids were talking about getting married. I do not think that word means what they think it means.

Boy S: I’m gonna marry Girl S.

Girl S-age 5: And I’m gonna marry Boy J and Girl R.

Girl R-age 4: Boy J is gonna marry me.

Girl H-age 4: I’m gonna marry Girl S and Girl T.

Girl A-almost 3: I’m gonna marry Girl H.

Over snack Boy S asked Boy L, “L, may I marry you when I’m big?” While yes, he did say “may” and understands English very well (his family speaks a different language at home, however they study English too), I reserve the right to believe he doesn’t quite get what it means to get married.

Things I Learn

Today I was at the preschool again. It was fun. However, first thing I learned was that one of the little boys (who was there yesterday, but not today) has/had lice. So everything in the room was getting a spin in the washer. I don’t notice any on me; I hope it stays that way. I am not sure if the room has them or not, but he did get it from the public school, poor boy. I will be there again tomorrow.

The other thing I learned today was how to make goopy stuff. It is a cross between a water & cornstarch mix and silly putty. You can draw on it with makers and it doesn’t get on your skin. If you sit in on a grate of some sort, or mesh, it will seep through the holes and looks really cool as it drips slowly. I came home and told Jacob about it and he didn’t really believe me, and said he would have to see it to understand what I was saying. So I went and got supplies to make it. Here are a few pictures of what we did at home.

This is the view under the grate just as it is starting to drip.

Here it is dripping just a bit more.

Here it looks kind of like spaghetti after landing.


Now, I can’t go to the preschool and not have good “kids say” stories…

These are from free play.

Girl T-age 3 reads very well and I was using foam blocks to spell words. She sounded the letters out in here head and read very clearly! Well, while she was playing a few minutes later she declared that she is “going to doctor school.” She walked right up to me with her bag of six stethoscopes and proceeded to listen to my “heart” with each one until she could hear me coughing. As soon as I realized what she wanted, I faux-coughed and then she was satisfied.

Girl R-age 4 has a new baby brother at home. I saw her stuff a Cabbage Patch Doll in her shirt, standing in front of a mirror to make sure it is placed right. She went to the hospital where Girl S-age5 (next week) and Girl T (same as above) are doctors. S took tweezers and delivered the baby by pulling on the doll’s leg from under the shirt. T was using the stethoscopes to make sure she could hear the heart beat and make sure there was no coughing. Then R died and S wanted to do an autopsy while T was busy placing tools inside the body…maybe it was so S would find something. S said she needed more blood, and then it was time to clean up to go outside.

Outside was very cold!!! (I need to move to the equator.)

Anyhow, out in the sand box Boy S-age 4 (broccoli ninja boy) was upset by Boy C-age 3 (knucklehead boy) flinging sand into the air with a stick. I asked him why he is telling me, and asked who he needs to tell. So he turned to C and proceeded to tell him the dangers of flinging sand in the air and how it might get in someone’s eyes and that would hurt them, and asking how he would feel if it got in his own eyes. He went on about this for at least a whole min. I would be surprised if C ever flings sand again in his whole life.

Egg On My Car

I can not say at what time it happened, but I do believe it was while we were out of town.  When we got back from Springfield, we stopped by the house to empty the car.  We then went over to a dress rehearsal for a play Jacob is working on (music, not acting).  Right at the start of intermission, the fire alarms in the building went off. Just great, we stood out in the freezing cold for about half an hour.  We don’t know why the alarms went off…

Anyhow, after we got home from that, I went out to my car to go to the store (yes I went to the store, but it was after midnight and we needed milk and butter 🙂 and Ratatouille  just happened to be on sale-so I got it). I noticed something on the ground that looked like an egg shell.  At the time I didn’t really think much about it.  The next morning I went out to the car again to find egg splattered on my car.  Here is a picture of the splatter on the car and one of the egg shell on the ground.

   

Funny Funny Kids

Today I was at the preschool again, which means I had a fun day. Here are some fun things I heard from the young’ins.

For sharing time:

Boy S-Age 4: (Standing with his hand in his pocket) It is a mystery, you have to guess what I have.

Child 1: Is it a rock?

S: No.

Child 2: Can you eat it?

S: Yes.

Child 3: Is it a hotdog?

S: No.

Child 4: Is it broccoli?

S: Yes! It is broccoli that looks like a ninja. (Takes hand out of his pocket and opens it to reveal his imagination, and proceeds to show the rest of the kids one by one his hand. Most of the kids play along)

Boy A-age 4: Rolls his eyes while saying “Cool” very unenthusiastically.

Girl R-almost 5: (Feeling the need to make him realize it isn’t there, yells) Your hand is empty

S: (Just continues on, because he knows it is pretend. Half way around the circle, he tells the kids…) It is cooked, smell it, it is good. (At the end of the circle he carefully places his ninja-broccoli in his pocket and sits down.)

It appears that he on a regular basis has an imaginary share item-I wonder if he chooses this ahead of time, or if he just forgets to bring a real thing….

In the middle of this broccoli presentation, Boy L-age 3 has some trouble sitting still, so the teacher asked if he needs to leave the circle, He responds, “Yes” and gets up with his share item and walks away and put his item away. That was indeed a good response for him, he had been having a bad morning.

On the playground:

It was chilly/windy and we had the children wearing their jackets/sweaters. Girl A-age 2 had a broken zipper on her jacket, she came up to me and told me, “Take your pockets out of your hands.” A few minutes later she came up to me and was cold, so I told her to “put your pockets in your hands.” She placed her hands in her pockets and played for a while before taking them out.

Boy L-same one from before: I’m trying to hurt my friends because I’m a pterodactyl!

In the room, while playing in the dress-up area…

Boy S-same as above: Give me a shot, I’m sick.

Me: OK, I’ll give you a shot. Where do you want it? In your arm?

S: Yes. (Lays down on the couch like it is the Dr’s table)

Me: Give me the needle. (it is the plastic pretend syringe that doesn’t have any sharp parts)

Teacher overhearing him calls out: In the cheek

S: (Sticks his tookus up into the air) Do it slower.

Me: (I proceeded to give him a slow shot into his arm)

S: Thank you, I feel better now.

Up in the loft Boy C and Boy Y were playing (both age 3) and C was saying, “Knuckle head” over and over. It was clear that he was meaning it as a fun term of endearment, and Y didn’t mind at all. That is good, because Y generally has really tender feelings.

I was at the Preschool yesterday as well, and one of the teachers had to leave in the middle of a book, so I finished reading the book. It was Click Clack, Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin. Her books are great! While I was reading, one little boy, Boy J-age 3, asked me, “What is an ultimatum?” After I answered that, he asked, “Why was Duck a neutral party?” He seemed content after that to let me finish the book.

A week or two ago when I was at the preschool, a little girl asked me to read her a book Froggy Plays In The Band by Jonathan London. This is another author I really enjoy. When I got home I had to tell Jacob about the book and he seemed interested in it. So, I went to every bookstore I passed after that, hoping that I might find the book. After more than one week of searching and many stores later I found one copy in Iowa City. I would have liked to have found 3 copies….

I Never Got My Silly Question

While Jacob was at band rehearsal I did some grocery shopping. When I was exiting the store a stranger came up to me and asked if he could ask me “a silly question.” I asked if it would cost money, he said it would not, and it would “only take two minutes.” So, I thought to myself, “I could go for a silly question, it has been a while since I have heard a good silly question.” So I told him he could ask.

He started with, “Where are you from?”

Me: (thinking- this is not silly) Here in town

Stranger: Are you really from here or did you move here from another place? (indicating he was doing a survey for the local university)

Me: I moved here

Stranger: Me too, I am from California. Where are you from originally?

Me: I was born in Iowa

Stranger: Well I am here with 1400 other people trying to collect points towards a scholarship fund, and there is a contest to see who can collect the most points talking to people. This scholarship will pay for school and beer. Do you drink?

Me: No

Stranger: Then it is for books and tuition. Do you ever read magazines?

Me: Sometimes

Stranger: (handing me a card with magazine names on it) Do you ever read cosmo?

Me: No

Stranger: (takes back card and hands me a card with different magazines titles and explains) Each magazine subscription is worth different points. If you were to get a post card in the mail, what would you prefer? Tropical, funny, romantic or exotic?

Me: Funny.

Stranger: That would be me in my boxers.

Me: Laughed (very abruptly, I may have hurt his ego…)

Stranger: That was supposed to be a joke. Are there any two that you are interested in?

Me: (so he was trying to get money…) There is only one I would be interested in.

Stranger: Ask me how much it would cost.

Me: No thanks, I can read it for free at my in-laws’ house.

Stranger: There are 1400 of us out here and if you buy a subscription, you can tell them*

Me: (*interrupting him) That I have already donated to the “beer fund”?

Stranger: (Laughed) Never heard that answer before. Would you be able to buy a gift subscription to go to a homeless shelter?

Me: I don’t think so.

Stranger: Just go away.

Me: (walked away, and drove home)

**I stopped quoting the conversation because he used lots of profanity, and I really do not care for that. Which, while I do not approve, had he only used one word in a very logical point in the conversation, I may have considered buying the one subscription, but the words kept slipping, and I decided secondhand reading is good enough for me. Besides, by the time he got around to the real point, he had taken about four minutes of my time. And, I still didn’t get a good silly question out of my “two” minutes!

I Am So Smart, S-M-R-T

So I have been working on a project lately that has me using Google Maps. I have learned a few things while doing this. One thing I wish to share is odd, these maps do not read the letter “E” as an apartment number. It reads it as east, every time. Which is frustrating if the address is “123 Street Ave Apt E/ City, State Zip”. The other thing which is just hilarious to me, is that the map source has one street (that I know of) misspelled. The name of the street is “Whiteroe” but on the maps it is spelled “Witheroe”. Just to be certain, Jacob and I took the opportunity to cross town and find the street, sure enough on the street sign it is written “N. Whiteroe”.